Silent Knight
January 3rd, 2008, 07:17 PM
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note,
placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a
claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me
doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am
very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the
couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a
ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end
to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom.. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door
shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or
get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom
for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog
or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following
message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit &Like to Complain About
Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay
off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.
And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note,
placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a
claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me
doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am
very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the
couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a
ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end
to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom.. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door
shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or
get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom
for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog
or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following
message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit &Like to Complain About
Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay
off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.
And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children